Sooo the day after I let it all hang out.

Yesterday was a strange day for me. The defense that has been my go-to has been anger for awhile now. If it hurt me, I was angry. If it offended me, I was pissed. If it in any way challenged me in a way that I was uncomfortable with then stand back, because I was likely to blow. But the past year has been a rough one. I can't pinpoint exactly where I fell apart, but I did. I don't know if it was as simple as hitting thirty fucking with my head, or if everything from the past few years collectively encompassed me and caused this emotional collapse. But I collapsed. I stopped eating and sleeping, started drinking more and really and truthfully was hopeful that a truck would run a red light while I was crossing an intersection. And this left me with one basic survival skill when it came to dealing with people. And that survival mode was 'STAY AWAY FROM ME!' I really don't think I have ever been as aggressive and angry in my whole life as I have been the past year. I'm sure that those of you who have seen my status updates this year will understand what I'm saying.

So back to yesterday. Yesterday I was a mess.  Making that blog was very spur of the moment, I didn't think it out and I'm not sure what my purpose really was. Except maybe as a plea for compassion. I'm not sure that I deserve it but I know that I need it. Maybe I just wanted people to finally understand why I'm so insane, so untrusting. I would imagine that some people that read the blog were uncomfortable, even. But it is what it is. My best friends didn't even know all  the things that I shared with all of you. I realize now that I was in a kind of denial for a very long time. And let me tell you, letting down that wall and sharing these things with you goes against everything I've done, right or wrong, to protect myself.

At work yesterday I spent a portion of my morning crying in my office with the door shut. This is new. I don't cry often, much less at work. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable and a little awkward. All of my secrets are out there. But what happened with all of you was amazing.
I got messages of empathy and encouragement both publicly and privately and the resounding message was "You are not alone." I heard from people that shared the feeling of mourning a lost childhood but also from people that shared nothing about their childhood but just wanted to encourage me. And it felt amazing. I took a huge risk on impulse and shared the most dark secrets of my past that even I don't want to face and you guys showed me love and compassion. You made me feel like maybe there is a way to use this forum to heal but also to allow others to be a part of it.

So here is my proposal: I am going to blog religiously and share with all of you the fucked up innards of my brain. I realize now that what has happened to me is something I have allowed to define me even though I have been in denial about it. I am going to spill my guts on here, tell you guys everything from the horrors of my past to the daily grind. What I ask of you is that if you relate and want to share you use the comments section below the blog. I know that I'm not alone because you guys shared with me. But if you aren't comfortable with being public I would still like to hear from you in a private message on Facebook. I will never betray your trust by sharing your name but I might use relevant information from our correspondence in this blog. I think every single one of us have a tale to tell and that everyone can benefit from the response that I received after that first blog. 

What I promise is to give to you guys a blatant, forthright dialogue about my life as a survivor. This is going to include very detailed descriptions of my life past and present relating to sex, drugs and alcohol. I hope that some of you feel comfortable sharing but it isn't required.

Thanks guys


Syndea