It happened.

I've had so many moments that have left me standing, shocked and rocked, thinking "If I could only change just that ONE moment, that ONE decision". But I can't. Admittedly most of them fade away, the pain dulls and the memory gets much less sharply edged. But some moments hang around forever, highlighted by a song that plays on the radio, in a face that I see, in a person that I run into from time to time. They never fade, never burn out--always raging away in my memory, waiting to be triggered and resurrected in to full form. When people say they are haunted by a memory it's a very literal use of the word.

I don't have many things that I regret with that much conviction or that much commitment. But some things I do. The things I've done to hurt my self, which most things are, don't phase me. I don't look back and think "I wish I could take that back." Those things were relevant to me at those times in my life. They didn't fulfill me, didn't make me happy or proud necessarily but they do make me myself, so that makes them relevant. The things that stab me with regret are the problems I've caused for other people. Because I can't absorb that shock, can't heal that hurt. The biggest weakness I have is my immaturity. It hinders me daily, is evident in my black and white perception and in my live in the moment reality. There's more to life than feeling good but I forget that daily. My goal seems to be to feel good. Or more realistically to just not feel bad. There's more to life than this. I have a huge guilty conscience, probably from not being believed when I've told the truth for a lot of my life, maybe just from my low level of self worth.

The person that I TRY to be is very honest (even with myself), very ethical, very brave and unwavering. In some ways I am that person, I always want to do the 'right' thing. I tell people what I really think because it's the only way to communicate and come to see eye to eye. I don't like to assume that I am always right and talking is the only way to walk towards discovering this. The person that I perceive that I am is awkward, overbearing, self righteous, impulsive, oversensitive and brash. I'm trying to learn to be humble, have temperance. And finally it's happening. The negativity I cast out at the world to keep it all away is leaving me.

I relaxed today, really and truly for the first time in as long as I can remember. I feel a lot of guilt today, don't get me wrong but today I'm not running. I'm not chasing away the memories and thoughts that hold me accountable for the choices I've made. When  I say 'today' I really mean this actual day. Getting on antidepressants has improved my life immensely in so many ways and facing my life is one of them. I still have a hard time getting out of bed most days but my inner voice that is honest with me has gotten louder. And I've let some of my walls down, I'm feeling pain instead of rage. It's uncomfortable to say the least but it's real and very valid. Instead of Syndea the warrior I'm feeling like Syndea the person and that makes the world a less hostile environment for me. Shades of gray are starting to appear and the barrier that kept me from most people is starting to thin.

 Does it feel good? No. In some ways it is more hurt than I anticipated. Is it a good for me? Yes. This proves a few points: Feeling good isn't always good for me or those around me. People are people, forgive their flaws. My anger only drains me and very rarely anyone else. You get what you give; put out negativity and rudeness and it will only be returned. I've stopped carrying around these burdens, my grudge against the world was a self constructed prison and I'm done committing myself to this term.


Here's the thing I'm working towards: I don't want to pass my misery on to my kids. I don't want them to be jaded on mankind before they even get a chance to experience it. I've put enough on to them, given them enough weight to pull through this life. The pain I've suffered has all been passed on to me from unhappy adults acting out on their bad lives and I don't wish that on my boys. I feel like a failure as a parent daily. I want them to know they are a priority and not a chore but I don't think I'm doing it well. Nothing hurt like it does when it's hurting your kid, nothing feels important like it does when it's important to your kid. I don't want to be that hurt to them, don't want to be that important thing that failed. i need to fix these things NOW.